I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
