So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
