Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
