Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
