If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
