She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
