i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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