Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
