wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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