I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
