Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
