Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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