Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
