youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
