There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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