Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
