Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
