I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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