I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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