Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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