guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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