Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
