You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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