For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
