Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
