She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize