Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
