You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
