I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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