I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
