I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
