Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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