Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
These tits shall not be calmed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
