i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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