guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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