It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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