Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
