Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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