Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
people are starting to question the shark bite story
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
