Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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