As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
