No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
