wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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