it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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