And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
