True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
