with your own penis?
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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