I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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