Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
