My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
