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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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