respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
