I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
