y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
there was a trapeze. enough said
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
