i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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