I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
