i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
