tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
