Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
