Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
