I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
