My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize