They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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