I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize