last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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